I Can't for the Life of Me..

... get up earlier than 7:30 am. Whether I clock in 10 hours or 5, whether I sleep with the lights on or half standing up - my mind refuses to wake as does my body.

I put on a familiar outfit and explored the neighborhood recently. But this was only because I finally had a free day over the weekend while the sun was still out.

I've always jogged late in the evening, in the safety of my village. I'd like to say it's because I get home late, but even if this is a fact, I've really always preferred night to day.

It would really REALLY be great to make the most of my day though by maximizing my mornings.

But I can't for the life of me, get out of bed earlier than 7:30 am.

Will attempt to do so again in the morning. Wonder how that will go.

(Diet) Blessings 121610

I've fought a long war with my weight. I've been at it again recently and so far, have a number of mini successes:

1. 11 pounds lost! 5 more pounds and i'll be at the weight I was before Tor's wedding. Speaking of Tor's wedding...

2. Fitting into an old dress! My maid of honor dress from Tor's wedding to be exact. Still breathing, no impersonations of a stuffed green suman and able to zip it up myself! 

3. Fitting into a new dress! A bridesmaid dress for a wedding next week to be exact. I took a big risk by giving measurements slightly smaller than I currently was at the time. Was worried I wouldn't be able to fit into it, so was quite anxious about the fitting. Thankfully, I did :) 

4. Fitting better into my clothes! Those who have been on a diet, understand this feeling. When your clothes hang on you better, when your muffin top is slightly smaller. Great feeling.

5. Real hunger vs. emotional hunger! I often still feel the urge to stuff my face with cake or cookies, but I've now experienced the difference between needing to nourish my body and fueling procrastination. Hoping to keep level headed enough to control control control.

6. Avoided (avoiding!) holiday temptation! Whether at holiday parties, at home (our house has become a 24/7 bakeshop) or at meetings wherein I'm placed inbetween two boxes of freshly baked donuts or chocnut cheesecake... opportunities to gorge on the yummiest of goodies has been plentiful. Definitely thought about cheating (SO.FREAKING.HARD)... but happy that I haven't given in.

7. Better moods! It's irritating when clothes don't fit you right, or when you diet and you don't see results. I'm extremely grateful that this hasn't been the case recently.

Hopefully this marks a great start to what I hope will be a continuous and final journey down this road. Go go go 2011!

Weight Frustrate

After gaining back 20 of the 30 pounds i lost last year, I find myself here again. The same spot I have found myself at for the last 20-something years. Sometimes it takes me a few weeks to find myself back on track, sometimes months. Point is, I'm here. Again. For the last time. Again. This is it! Again.

It's that point when I've finally convinced myself that I am ready yet again, to FINALLY beat the bulge.

I've done the usual round of preparations: figured out the permutation of steps I'll take this time around to get me to that magic number, mentally plotted how the next few months should unfold, day-dreamed about the shopping trip I'll reward myself with as inspiration.

So I'm feeling physically and mentally ready. I'm feeling confident, almost cocky that things will go smoothly these next few months. But really, that feeling isn't so new. It's the same cycle of emotions I go through on this crazy ride I've been. But I'm glad I'm finally here again.

So here's the plan:
It took me a little over half a year to loose the 30 pounds last year. I'm hoping to accomplish the same thing in half the time. 30 pounds by December 20 is Phase 1. Going crazy and going for gold.

Will this time be different? I'd always like to think so. So wish me luck yet again as I traverse down this well-trodden road hopefully for the last time.

Urge

Wow.. kamusta naman ang deluge ng posts diba? I guess I wanna get it out (into Cyberspace!) before I cycle again and it gets buried behind work and what not.

I work in an office with ALOT of smokers - infact, my cubicle is right behind the pantry - where all the smoking happens. Seeing ashtrays and being in cigarette smoke has become so common place again that I'm scared I will one day just subconsciously pick me up a stick and light up. 

I actually have nightmares about smoking. I'll be smoking in my dream and it'll be so real. It's a nightmare because I really REALLY do not want to start smoking again, nor do I have any plans on doing so. Temptation admittedly is there sometimes, and really gotta to consciously hold out so as not to give in and start up again. 

*shudder* 

What's up Weekend

Checked out the first public school my foundation first did a renovation projects at years ago. We want to do a number of projects at one school, take a few years off.. then come back and work with them again, just to keep the relationship going.

The school has changed lots since we were there - they've gone from twenty something classrooms to thirty something instructional rooms - bringing down their classroom population from 120 to 90 kids. I was happy to hear that subjects are now 1 hour long - but it makes me wonder about the teachers and administrators who have to cover two shifts- one from 5:45 - 2, then from 2 - 9.  Experiences like this never fall short of helping me realize just how lucky I am.

Speaking of lucky, I spent the weekend "sick" - with a pounding earache discharging all sorts of grossness and newly diagnosed Seborrhoeic dermatits.  TMI perhaps but why lucky you ask? Having gotten sick a few times over the last month reminds me that I'm I really need to stop abusing my body and must take better care of myself. I could've gotten sick with something worse diba? Must traverse down this road to health faster!

Hoisting

Yeap-- I'm back here again, wanting to find myself back on track with my health (and thus, my diet & lifestyle).

Obviously, before I chug full speed ahead down this path, I need to get back on it.. thus the hoisting. Lol.

So I've been waiting for my schedule to regularize before I went down this path.. but I figure, why wait? May as well push and mold it to become "regular".

With age, hypothyroid, oral fixation and a weakness for anything edible working AGAINST me, I can't waste anymore time just putzing around.

While I'm in an office full of smokers, I'm glad I haven't careened down that trail again. But food glorious food.. why can't I just quit you?!

So today was Day 1 with exercise and conscious food intake. Can't wait for it to be Day 1001 to roll around. Hopefully, I won't be rolling around with it.

(pictures above - brother's burger's lamb burger with feta cheese & pesto. sigh.. on hold ka muna for a while k?) 

let's get physical

must.want.should.need to exerrrrciiiiissseeeeee

nownownownownownownownow naaaaaa

2 months have past. the first month i was just lazy. this month i've just been up to my widow's peak in work and commitments.

remind me to start taking the stairs to our floor, starting churning out my work faster and getting my sleep schedule regularized so i can squeeze in some cardio at dusk or twilight.

Morning Clarity

I fell asleep with my contact lens on recently. A nasty habit I often did back in High School. Though the latest incident was by no means, intentional, I must admit that there was something really great about opening your eyes and being able to immediately see the alarm clock you want to throw across the room. None of this "morning-bewilderment-and-weak-eyesight" induced state of fuzziness I usually experience right between fumbling around for my glasses and snapping out of dreamland.

Note to self: must look into lasik surgery. Someday.

Lent

Lenten season. Around this time last year, I gave up sweets. This year, I'm back with advantage. No chocolates and cakes for me thank you very much. I wonder if I should just give them up for good. Ha. YA. You might as well just lock me a room and suck out all the air.

____

According to mom, I used to believe that the blacker the ash wednesday cross was on your forehead, the more sins you had to atone for. So.. how black was your ash wednesday cross? ;)

Rip Van Winkle I Ain't

Let's look at the role of sleep in the last 27 years of my life.

For as far back as I remember, I lived on maybe an average of 4 - 5 hours of sleeping during 6 out of 7 days of my week. I rested on the 7th day; not because God intended it to be that way but because my body needed it.

Then because of the work I was doing from 2004-2008, 5 hours of sleep became an average of 3 hours.. and that was if I was lucky. And in all fairness to myself, I managed. Not well mind you, but I managed nonetheless.

In 2009 my life shifted gears, and I was finally getting the prescribed 8 hours of needed sleep. And thanks to a life of relaxed professional freelancing, I managed with no trouble.

My life has begun to pick up speed again over the last couple of months. Now I don't understand how anyone with a full time job and a number of other full time responsibilities can balance 8 hours of sleep and fit in a full days work. I've been back to really ugly sleep hours.. so much so that mom has been asking me to double up on my vitamins. lol.

Now that my body has gotten a taste of what 8 hours of recharge time feels like, it REALLY puts up a fight when I get less. And unless I am under an extra ordinary circumstance (ie: preparing for a major event such as January's big shebang), I've realized that I am also no longer the sleepless wonder kid I was growing up, kick ass at functioning quite well despite no sleep the night before. Now with two hours of sleep, I'm a useless zombie the next day. Age apparently does that to you. Before you know it, I'll be willingly getting up at 5 or 6 am. Eep!

Consistent and regular sleep hours is good for you. Too much is no good as is too little. You'd think this would be a fundamental I would've gotten down pat years ago noh? Hopefully I'll be able to readjust soon, figure out the right amount of sleep my body needs and finally achieve and sustain that beautiful balance.

Back On The Band Wagon

Of all the resolutions swimming around in my head, I know a priority for 2010 is to get back on the freaking health wagon and STAY ON IT.

So I bid farewell to the gorging of chocolates for my never-ending appetite for sweets and welcome constant and regular exercise back into my life.

Day 2 so far and I'm loving it already. Yehaw.

Walking Companion

My little sister a's dog has grown to love me. They say spitz's are incredibly territorial and loyal to their owners. Kippy is this and then some. In fact, my family's convinced he's crazy bipolar. I do think age is mellowing him out.

The mutual affection has grown because I'm around so often. My own dog has passed (and Kippy hates seeing the family coddling the other dogs) and my sister has moved nearer to her school, so he and I spend lots of times together. He follows me around when I'm working at home, allows me to pick him up with being too much of a grump and sleeps with me even when his master is around.

The biggest reason I feel is because he has been my companion ever since I took to walking as my form of exercise. As much of jerk as Kippy can be, he's a really smart dog. Even when I'm not in my sweats or sneakers, he seems to sense when I'm about to go out for a walk. He starts going crazy, jumping and twisting around until his leash is on him and he makes that mad dash for the gate towards the world outside that he loves to explore.

I wish I could be that excited about exercising.

Happy 1 year cigarette-free Anniversary to me!

Today I celebrate 1 year of being a non-smoker.

Prior to quitting for good, I went through several months of wishy-washy-ness. I wasn't smoking for a few months, then partied and relaxed in Bali for a week where I smoked a whole tobacco field, followed by a 1-month tour as a Soprano 1 (from singing Alto) so I stopped smoking again to aid my crying vocal chords. When I returned, I had coffee with a fellow smoker. I remember inhaling then thinking to myself.. I don't need this. I put it out, and that was that. One year ago.

My relationship with cigarettes has been love-hate. Cigarette smoking always evoked good times I've had with friends over the years; dancing the night away with cocktail in one hand and a Marlboro Light in the other, riding in a car full of girlfriends with the windows down and music up as we sang and laughed and flicked our cigarette ash out the window, intimate conversations over a cup of coffee or a rambunctious evening of side splitting laughter over dinner. As with any vice though, you know it's bad for you but you do it anyway. You know people who have suffered and died from lung cancer and the heartache it brings to the sufferer as well as to the family and friends left behind. You do it anyway. On a more superficial level, you know of the ugly smell it leaves on the on your fingers and the way it litters your bag with yellow tobacco leaves. But yes, you stubbornly puff away regardless. It was a favorite poison, it helped me deal with my stress, it gave me something to do when I was out but feeling anti-social. It was also cheaper than drinking.

But the decision to stop smoking was the first of many life style choices I made towards taking control of my life, a life that I realized was out of control and being pushed around by the circumstances I allowed myself to be in.

I won't lie, there are times where I'm tempted to smoke, even take a quick puff. This is usually when I'm stressed out, looking for a reason to put something off, after a full meal, at the beach, or out with friends. But I quickly talk myself out of it. It's not worth it. When you remove the drama, distract yourself and do your damn hardest to take your mind off of it, it becomes much easier than we make it to be. Goodness knows how long I'll be fighting the cravings, but glad to know it does get easier with time.

It has been great validation so far, that I CAN do something when I put my mind to it, that I am capable of that much inner strength and discipline. 1 year down, got the rest of my life to go. No plans of going back to that nasty habit that's for sure.

Now if I could only get this far with weight loss.. LOL.

System Reboot

I never did reach my weight loss goal of an additional 20 pounds ontop of the 20 pounds I had already lost prior to the start of my "focused dieting for the US". I lost 8 pounds during that time, but gained it back before I left, during the time I started going to Katipunan everyday for work. Lost.

I'm not too bummed out about it though. I'm happy that I didn't gain anything during my trip and even happier that I fit well into my dress without the need for a corset or any problems zipping it up. My fear of impersonating a stuffed green burrito was never realized and I manged to effectively move around in it doing my maid of honor duties without passing out from suffocation. I'm also grateful that I ate well during my 3 weeks there- not too much that I stuffed myself silly, not too little to not enjoy. And even more grateful that all the places I visited were walking cities.

Now that I'm back, it's time to set my eye on another goal, just for that extra bit of motivation. Two events, well actually three. The big event is December of 2010, I have the wedding of a friend from high school as well as a 10-year high school class reunion. That for me is THE goal. By then, I plan to be settled at a happy weight. And in the event I get a chance to go, the other event will be more of a benchmark for me as it It is another reunion with the kids at the school I grew up in prior to moving back to Manila. That's a beach trip for sure.

I've been mulling over what to do as I need to adjust my lifestyle to fit whatever is on my plate, at least until I've settled into a steady job & steady routine. The initial 20 pounds was lost when I had time to really think about my lifestyle and focus on my diet and exercise. But with this project I'm working on, I haven't had enough time to work out and have allowed myself to become distracted, which hasn't been good for my eating habits.

Time to reboot and get focused again.

Best Way to Unwind

This was my first bubble bath in YEARS and a great bath it was!

Warm bath water? Check.

Generous layer of orange smelling bath bubbles & home? Check.

Bath pillow to support my head and neck? Check.

Aromatic mug of tea by my side? Check.

I opted to chuck the book and go for candle light + music. So.. check and check (no.. not Enya unfortunately. LOL)

Too bad I'm no longer a smoker as a ciggy would've perfect too :)

There's a reason why some of these oldie feel good recipes are still considered goodies.

Half Way There

Well sorta. Half way to my August goal. But far from my ultimate goal. But hey, it's all about baby steps right?

As of today I'm supposed to have lost a total of 10 pounds. As of last week, I was at the 10 pound mark, so I'm pleased as punch.

I refuse to weigh myself this week though. After days of carefree eating and unfocused exercise, I'm nervous about a weigh in.

Since I have about a month to go, I'm considering doubling up my efforts just so I can ensure reaching my goal, or perhaps even going well beyond it. I'm nervous about weight gain in the US. It will definitely take a new level of discipline from me.

weight loss update

as promised, i was going to update via this blog my progress on my new goal to loose 20 pounds by mid august.

as of the weekend i was supposed to have lost 5 pounds. i've lost 7! *pkf does cartwheel*

the last 3 weeks has been a small emotional bumpy ride of sorts. i lost 4 the 1st week, then 1, then 2. when you loose 4 in a one week, any amount lost UNDER that the week after feels like a disappointment. after moaning and groaning about my "slow" weight loss, i manage to snap back into focus. i'm constantly reminding myself that: over and beyond the goal in august, this is a LIFETIME goal to ultimately get & stay healthy.

as long as i've loosing weight slowly, maybe even maintaining (but please.. after i reach my goal weight!!), i'll be ok. i think with this new discipline i've slowly been developing, even if i (god forbid), gain again, i'll be able to rebound fast and get back on track with trying to loose it again.

and of all the crazy diets i've done, this is actually the best, and it's not even a crazy diet! i'm eatting (3 meals a day!) of almost whatever i want, i eat more veggies & fruits now, and i've even had my fair share of dessert which i did promise myself i'd stay off (case & point: the decadent leche flan i had the other day). in the past i used to beat myself up for eating something like that, but now, beating up time < forgiving myself and moving forward.

i totally know though i'm going to bump into some more challenges down the road. i think at one point i may have to increase or change up my "work out" as i begin to loose more weight? but i'll cross that bridge when i get there :)

a moment in the moment

last sunday i decided to do my walking right after the 6pm mass. i try to compartmentalize my days and time like that, so i make the most of my time. i figure, since i'm out already, may as well go straight out right? WRONG! i swear, every house i walked by, i could smell the delectable aromas of sunday night dinner. i wanted to keel over and die. ang bango! grabe! i was thinking about all the foods i couldn't eat.

bit of a background story. with all this soul searching i've been doing these last few years, one of the universal truths that all self-empowerment books / seminars / cults (chizzy) /etc seem to spew is the importance of the now. living in the moment, free of your past and of a future that hasn't come yet. and... that's all i'll get into as i'm in no mood to go all philosophical in this entry :)

a few days after that walk after mass, i chanced by my mum watching an oprah show with that particular topic being discussed. so it was running in my head the next day when i walked by a donut stand and smelled the newly baked goodies, which seriously, is a GLORIOUS smell! gone are the days i used to buy me a strawberry glazed donut and dulce de leche donut at gonuts, and scarf them down one after the other. i'm limiting sweets right? so my usual reaction is to drool and bitch about not being able to eat sweets.

the strange thing was that for the first time ever, i simply enjoyed the smell. loved it. appreciated it. and yun lang! didn't attach it to any bitching, or moaning about my sacrifince not to eat sweets. i was seriously just in the moment. and it was a nice wonderful feeling.

that was a glimmer of hope in my usual sea of whining and griping. unfortunately, its back to the usual choatic choppy waters of lament. weeee!! ang saya saya!

creativity in movement #1

dressed in my usual paraiso-wear (old t-shirts & sweats turned sleeping clothes turned exercise gear due to addition of footwear!) and ready to step out, i heard the pitter patter, rather crazy downpour of rain outside.

"crap.. so ano ngayon?!"

in the past, i usually concede defeat, jump into the paraiso-wear (sleeping version) and crawl into bed. but because of only a 1 pound weight loss this week (vs. 4 pound weight loss the week before), and with my mind still fresh from the dissapointing results, i persisted forward.

so i zipped through my house. well, more like zipped up & down the stairs, around tables, through rooms and kitchens. i felt a little silly, but with everyone in bed and left only with the privacy of the evening and drumming of the rain outside, i went ahead and did it.

my sister's dog (my exercise companion) followed me around (yes.. up and down the stairs, around tables, through rooms and kitchens) for about 20 minutes in hopes that we would eventually go outside, but he got the drift and left me for an aircondtioned room. i continued on.

so 1. 5 hours later i managed to:

1. clock in my exercise for the day
2. finally bring up some stuff from downstairs i kept forgetting about
3. bring down all the mugs and glasses that collect in the tv room throughout the day
4. refill my tea mug and water glass and brought that up with me
5. clean out the messages on my phone (though i usually do this while walking around outside anyway)
6. figure out what to wear to my commitments this week (also a regular thing to do for me while walking outside)
7. note some things around the house i wanted to later work on / fix /etc.
8. wake my sister up (who thought she was imagining me zip through her room) and find myself some company during the last 15 minutes of my "work out"
9. make myself dizzy from going round in circles in small enclosed places

if only i could write while working out, it'd be an even better use of my time! i figure this wont' be the last of these types of challenges. i actually would've done the same while i was on the cruise (walk around the cruise ship for 1.5 hours), but it wasn't so big and i figured people would look at me funny!

this isn't the first time i've done something of this sort. i used to jog in place in my 24 square meter (in other words: tiny) studio apartment, when the weather was too bad for me to go out and get to the gym. that was a little strange too but hey, you do what you gotta do right?

this post is dedicated to a strange choirmate of mine, who i caught boxing in place in our hosts compact parisian kitchen when we were on tour in 2001 :)

new goal etc..

after entering the shlumpy part of the "get healthy" cycle, i thought of a new goal last monday while doing my evening walk (with my rain jacket, golf umbrella, capri pants and rubber crocs to help me avoid the deluge! ok.. OA.. to help me avoid the drizzle of rain!) to help get me psyched for this next push: i'm going for another 20 pounds by mid-august.

oh the things your mind conjures up when you're out muni-muni-ing! i even benchmarked the dates to help guide me - that by this time, i should've lost this much, etc. it's about 2 pounds a week and i'm thinking rather doable if i really focus on it and not just meander through it like the last month and half (thanks to beach trips and cruises!).

i've also made up some new rules for myself (ie: no desserts till august!) to help push me during these next 2.5 months.

will also try to get in as much exercise as i can, which i feel maybe a little difficult with this wonky weather we're having. though i figure, if i can get away with jogging in place in my tiny apartment back in college when i couldn't go out, i can find some way to burn calories here at home. perhaps jump rope in the garage, or climb up and down the stairs. we have a stationary bike at home but the thing hurts my butt, so that's definitly out of the question! commuting (and being on a budget) has been a wonderful blessing in disguise actually. the walk from my house to the mrt station and back is an hour! so when i don't get time to walk around the village and i commuted that day, i feel a little bit more at ease.

i seem to be getting back on track with regard to shutting up that little blabber mouth in my head. you know, the one that comes up with all these reasons why i can't exercise (too busy, too tired, no time, etc). i just do it. takes more energy anyway to battle it out in my brain then it does to hoist me up and get me outside.

on the food intake, well, i go through these crazy cravings often. for the most part, i usually crave a big ass burger (meat or lamb), or japanese food. but recently it's been nachos - like the ones with a thick layer of melted cheese, jalepenos, sour cream and guacamole. eep!! i'd also like to spend a whole evening back at spirals.. just thinking about those mini home made choco chip cookies they have (with ice cream!) is making me drool. good luck na lang when i get pregnant. perhaps i'll be lucky and crave... carrots. ha! right...

trying to train my body to eat and the right times too. i remember when i was working, i'd go the whole day without eating, and not because i wasn't trying to eat but simply because i was busy running around. problem was, when i got home, i'd stuff my face at dinner. now i'm trying to stick with the basics: breakfast, lunch and dinner.

anyway, so far so good! i turned my nose up on some german chocolates today and am totally avoiding the dining room as there's a box of 4-cheese / peperoni pizza there calling my name.

will update again during major checkpoints within these next 2.5 months! oh and why mid-august? that's when i plan to leave for ny for 2.5ish weeks for a wedding. hopefully not to gain it all back :I